I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
