You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
