I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
