I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
