So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
