I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Randomize
