you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have fence marks all over my body
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