If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
