I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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