Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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