I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize