Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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