If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
