when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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