when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
