Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
