I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
