Who wears a wallet chain?!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
