Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
