I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
