It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize