life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
