How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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