Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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