he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
