Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
