I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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