look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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