Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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