my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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