OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
3pm strippers are depressing
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
