I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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