and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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