Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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