You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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