I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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