i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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