Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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