Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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