I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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