if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
