I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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