I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
