OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Randomize
