I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize