I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
