Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
