Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize