i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
