Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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