I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
