First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
