I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We don't watch enough power rangers
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
