I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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