i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
