I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
