not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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