How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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