My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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