better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my shit smells like andre
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
